Wow, What a roller coaster ride! You never know how much potential a situation has to escalate until you find yourself saying absolutely nothing.
(Update & a bit of clarification from me – from the future): Now that I no longer work in this role I can fully disclose that the whistleblower retaliation I have experienced for formally filing a grievance at the directive of the Dean whom I reached out to has been not only infuriating, but is causing me to obsessively re-evaluate whether I have faith in justice and the ethics of some of the key decision-makers in this governance system.
I didn’t want to be a paranoid and say that I was set up, but each day I uncover more and more evidence to suggest that both the athletic department and the college legal counsel are going out of their way to make this work environment so hostile that they can get a rise out of me so they can undermine my credibility.
Now that I no longer work for those people, I can wholeheartedly state unapologetically, as I should have been able to say when I held myself to the standard of accountability — in which I had to conduct myself in good faith that things would work out in the end if I just remained ethical — F*CK THOSE PEOPLE.
F*CK EVERY SINGLE ENABLER, F*CK EVERY SINGLE ANTAGONIST, AND F*CK THE PEOPLE WHO DESTROYED MY FAITH IN THE BELIEF THAT BEING AN ETHICAL PERSON (and providing well documented, empirical evidence) WOULD BE WORTH THE FACT THAT THOSE ASSHOLES BULLIED ME TO THE POINT OF SEIZURES.
They destroyed my belief, for a really long time that goodness was even WORTH protecting in a toxic environment (… and we can all thank the Trump administration for helping me come back to my f*cking senses)
And I don’t say that to be hyperbolic.
In addition to the 400 pages of documentation which verified (via medical affidavit) that I had done everything I could (including keeping a mental health professional aware of what I’d been facing and how I navigated and implemented my choices) to respond ethically and appropriately to misconduct by my colleagues and the college administration, the federal government had no choice but to award me a judgment of my right to sue.
… and the saddest part about it, wasn’t that I walked away with nothing, or that nothing changed, or that the only person who got fired was the HR director but everyone else got to keep their jobs.
The most GUT WRENCHING part about it, is that even after they did it to another professor (who publicly blamed the college administration after her tumor rapidly metastasized into stage 4 cancer and asked me to file the claim 2 months before she DIED), it STILL…KEPT…HAPPENING!!!
F*CK THE EEOC CASE MANAGER who revictimized me by suggesting that maybe I wasn’t discriminated against, maybe I was being pushy,
— without even having read the medical records or documentation which specifically stated how I had gone out of the way to avoid bringing up the topic of discrimination because I anticipated that same reaction because #whitesupremacy #amirite? (I didn’t say those things then but I most certainly do now)
It wasn’t hard to find (and prove) that the discrimination claim was actually fabricated by the SAME DEAN who escalated the grievance (because they were so unapologetically sloppy about it. They knew they could settle out of court, but what they didn’t anticipate was that I’d decline any money and refuse to sign away my silence.
Besides, I’d kept everything… including the letter which only requested a meeting to clarify which person I reported to… and HIS LETTER which triggered an investigation without even meeting with me, requesting my consent, or letting the Title IX committee know they were conducting an investigation based upon discrimination until AFTER they came back with their ruling affirming the misconduct of my colleagues in the athletic department)…
The committee did me a solid by disclosing that they were asked to change the scope of their ruling to an investigation they never conducted by the end of that same day which was confirmed via subpoena. Go FIG.
…boy must that case manager’s face have been red to discover that he let his implicit bias get in the way of sound judgment (and I didn’t report him, although I should have — which is probably why I was awarded the judgment).
But let’s be real, we know that guy didn’t lose a single wink of sleep. There were no consequences, and he got to drop micro-aggressions on the next person who filed a claim as if abusing his role as the gatekeeper to protect employer interests was routine.
Because if he really cared about doing his job, ALL of the other people who were directly involved wouldn’t still up to the same old antics and they certainly still wouldn’t be there. Yet there they are.
And they can straight F*CK THEMSELVES!
To this day, I still run into people who seem excited to see me because they ‘finally got out’ as if we now belong to some tribe and surviving is some kind of sacred badge.
I while I may not tell those people to Kindly ‘f*ck off’ to their faces (I haven’t really even voiced the words directly until now)…
… it’s always VERY CLEAR by the end of any interaction I have with anyone who enabled what went down in that environment that I have NO INTENTION OF EVER forming any sort of attachment or intention to keep in touch with them.
I want nothing to do with that toxic institution or it’s toxic people who stood by and saw what was happening and did nothing to try and stop it save the 3 people who investigated my grievance.
I am, however, profoundly grateful for the courage the Title IX showed to stand up for what was right even when they were coerced by the DEAN into making a call that (by no stretch of the imagination) was criminal and illegal.
These 3 individuals, who clearly can’t be named due to the legal nature of the Title IX investigation, put their livelihood at risk and did what was right even though they knew there would be consequences that would negatively affect them and yet, they persisted.
I can’t thank them enough. (Like legally I don’t think I’m allowed to contact them), but frankly; I truly never want to see or associate with anyone involved with that institution ever again.
— back to my (albeit convoluted) account of how I tried to reconcile this dumpster fire at the time —
You ever see that angry stormy guy in the office, who looks like he’s one off-the cuff comment from exploding on you? Yeah, that’s the kind of energy I’ve been staving off over the past couple of weeks. And I mean, I’m not above admitting it’s been something I’ve been really wrestling with. I spent a good portion of the first part of this period in CYA mode. I didn’t realize how much documentation I really had in my possession but it’s actually enough to disrupt the operations of my entire department (so I’ve been trying to determine what my ethical responsibilities are) since I know that I’ll be asked to complete an exit interview when I leave the organization about my reasons for leaving.
If you were in my position, what would YOU say?
I’m actually waiting for my performance review (which should be coming up in the next month) to address a lot of these issues. This approach was recommended to me by someone who used to work in the HR department, and since things have been tense enough around the office for me to understand that it’s going to come up in my performance review, I’ve already included my intent to discuss it in my self evaluation under the portion where I’m supposed to evaluate the work I did this year as a supervisor. And when I say I have a LOT of documentation, I mean that I literally have piles of student performance records, anytime I worried that there may be a problem escalating due to conflicting directives, client complaints, etc. I have put it into writing. I even thought very seriously about creating a histogram outlining the staff behavioral progressions/regressions that compliment their policies and the effectiveness of the boundary constraints under which I’ve been placed. But I’ll probably save that for my memoirs or something, idk…
In the meantime, I’ve been really working on “sharpening the saw,” so to speak so that I understand what my responsibility is in terms of the energy I bring to the space, the boundaries I articulate, taking the steps I need to ask for what I need and document those efforts, going through the necessary final steps before I make a decision about whether or not to go through a formal reporting process, and to what extent, etc.
I’ve also had to go through a pretty strict regime of filling out job applications, scheduling play, coordinating restorative meal plans and making myself get back into my workouts (which I’d been blowing off to fill out job applications). Because let’s face it, I’m terrified that I will sabotage the very thing I am working toward (being a happier, healthy person and an effective leader), if I stop taking care of myself.
Then yesterday afternoon, we had a festival in town. I had scheduled the time off from my routine and bam, I had a great time. The Facebook status I left at 2am read (I know, who uses Facebook anymore):
I couldn’t have prayed for a better evening; incl. randomly running into an old college buddy in the park, hanging out with an old professor he was meeting in town, having a brownie and a milkshake while swapping jokes with these really funny guys I hadn’t seen in awhile, spending time at the bluegrass festival with some of my local artisan friends, getting to see one of our vendors (and friends from one of the local businesses) fire dancing, followed by an impromptu bourbon guitardy at my place that degenerated into hilarious cat whisperer reality tv (upon the recommendation of one of my artisan friends). If today was any indication of the rest of my weekend, then I am truly blessed beyond belief.
And it worked.
I woke up this morning feeling like a whole new person. It’s amazing what a difference it can make when you go out of your way to surround yourself with the people and activities that you love. I think right now I’m having one of those Bucky Fuller moments where I’m beginning to wonder; how would my life be different if I only surrounded myself with people who inspired me, encouraged me or made me feel valued and loved? Or if when I couldn’t help who I was around that I filtered my attention toward creating the kind of environment where I encouraged other people and made them feel valued? Then I suddenly realized, that’s what I do. It’s what up until recently I have always done. Except with those who I didn’t feel contributed to that environment, albeit through poor ethics, lack of accountability, whatever. Which means that I need to re-evaluate how I treat the people who are actively triggering these storm shifts.
And I may not say anything to actively discourage them, but my body language has always just shifted to neutral, or if I feel as if I am being asked to do something with questionable ethics, I have been very direct in asking them to clarify the boundary constraints of what they are asking me to do. (e.g. The supervisor who told me not to assign tasks and to email him when his workers are off task, often forgets that he has done this, chooses not to respond under the guise of being too busy, or shrugs things off which he doesn’t believe to be important). So I’ve been pretty wound up lately because things have more or less degenerated in our office, because he, queen bee, and level 6 have opted for the de-constructivist approach to management during the time of year when we host one of our biggest annual events, and people have begun to notice. Sales are down, clients are dismissing our lapse in service with the transition in our staff (because half our staff grew so disengaged they just stopped coming in, or just come in whenever they feel like it). The whole thing has just turned into one giant cluster (literally) of people partying and hanging out around my cubicle.
So cue me: I get to be hyper-vigilant guy. I’m just a huge ball of frustrated anger, sitting over in the corner judging how this whole situation is being mismanaged. At this point I’m not even keeping data anymore, because it would literally take up more time to document than it would to put headphones in, but I can’t ignore it. And this isn’t because I’m being obsessive or anything, literally the higher I crank up my 80s power ballads so I can’t see or hear what is going on while I’m working, the more that signals to queen bee and level 6 that the behavior will go unchecked, so more people gather around our cubicle and it actually attracts quite a bit of attention from our clients and the other department who don’t know I’ve been systematically dis-empowered from being able to correct the behavior. In all of their eyes, I’m still the one who should be accountable.
And it’s not just in this way, concurrently we had another issue arise in which I published the summer schedule, I knew we had a lot of people heading off on sabbatical this summer, so I didn’t question the scheduling gaps because I assumed that the schedule I received from upper management reflected whatever contracts were negotiated with our vendors for this period. So when I published our events calendar, I received an email from one of our vendors asking if this meant that we wouldn’t be carrying their product anymore because upper management had never discussed the dissolution of their contract. And it was very uncomfortable, because the vendor had been with us for a very long time, and was in a cooperative with several of our other vendors. I go to church with the rep for this particular vendor and because of the way this thing was handled, we had not only violated a business contract, but a social contract as well (and we’re in a small town where everyone including myself LOVES this rep, who brings quite a bit of social equity to our services which is one of the reasons why the contract with the vendor has lasted so long). And even though I know that the vendors are going to hold me accountable for the decision making of the person who neglected their duty, there wasn’t much I could do within the parameters of this ethical grey area. As frustrating as this whole situation was, I couldn’t acknowledge that the person had wronged her because of the professional ethics associated with this situation (even if it is true). In fact, the only thing that I could do within the boundary constraints I was given, was encourage the vendor to try and get in touch with the senior manager, who I knew would not be accessible and would actively avoid the conversation by saying they were too busy to make a 5 minute phone call, that could have saved us from escalating this very preventable issue. So now the other vendors are also pissed (but the senior level managers aren’t around to take the heat), so here I am, paying the consequences on their behalf.
So this is why things have been a little stormy for me.
A wise woman by the name of Alice Walker once said, “no person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.”
But I also know that I have a responsibility to be accountable for the energy I bring to the space, so I’ve been trying to figure out which actions I can take so that I can reassert the boundaries that I need to in order to keep the peace until I can find my next job. I’ve got about 12 applications completed. And I’ve only applied to organizations that have been very intentional about making it clear that they only want people who value others and who share the same level of commitment that I do to ethics and creating a positive work environment. So you can imagine I’ve been in my head a lot about what lessons from these experiences I’m going to want to take with me and what kind of energy I want to bring into my interviews. But also, I’ve had this intense desire to really get my personal life back on track so that I can remember what it’s like to experience that, so that I can easily recognize the organizations that are genuinely good not just in mission but in practice as well. The organization in which I work now has articulated these great values and commitments toward valuing all people, dignity in labor and so on, but there are no real mechanisms in place for reporting when senior level managers aren’t living up to that.
So our organization has lost a lot of really wonderful people who have just opted to leave and the problem still goes unreported and uncorrected.
But not being able to do ANYTHING I think has created more angst and anxiety than doing the wrong thing I think mostly because I feel as if I do NOTHING that I increase the risk of undermining my own credibility once others perceive that I am contributing to the problem by neglecting what the believe to be my responsibilities. Especially since my workspace is the most visible. So I’ve had to rock the boat a little bit and be more assertive which isn’t making things at work easier, but is allowing me to at the very least keep those boundaries.
The problem is, all of this hyper-vigilance and fear based tension is marginally effective and frankly exhausting. I’m hoping that the performance review will give me the opportunity to be direct (albeit minimally confrontational) so that I don’t have to continue doing things that I know are making my work environment increasingly hostile (e.g. pulling my supervisor aside to ask whether he has assignments for the people congregating around my desk and explaining how their presence is hindering my ability to do my work, and yes I would prefer that he provide the directive since he has already established the precedent that the workers no longer have to uphold our organizational policy if it comes from me). Or having to ask him to resolve the issue with the vendor because he did not seem to understand the ramifications of his judgment and the effect it had upon the other vendors because he wasn’t the one who had to be here to deal with the consequences. Yeah, it doesn’t matter how composed and professional you are, implying that someone else isn’t pulling their weight is never a fun topic, which is why I generally try to avoid it. And of course I didn’t state it that way. I’m much more direct and in these situations I will start with asking for what I need, and then if it’s questioned
“do you happen to have task list on hand for these guys?”
…and after it’s kind of shrugged off then I get into the meat of it…
“when we spoke, you asked me to do ___ and I have made it a point not to step outside of those boundaries, but the outcome of said policy has resulted in ___ behavior, so if you would like me to continue to operate within those constraints, I am going to need for you to uphold your end of what we discussed.”
…yeah, it’s kind of bitchy, if you’re not used to being in the kind of environment where you have to share accountability… but necessary if you’re in the kind of environment where expectations have yet to be clarified and norms need to be established…
At most I’m met with an eye roll and the problem is then corrected, then I try at the very least to keep things courteous to reinforce the behavior for the rest of the day. But this is only in extreme cases. Most of the time I’m much more cooperative than that, mostly because I empowered my workers to take ownership of the policies and to remain accountable to one another using peer influence. I never thought I’d be witnessing the downside of peer influence. Thankfully, the regression in overall behavior hasn’t occurred significantly in anyone that I’ve directly managed. Unfortunately, many of those workers have made arrangements to transfer out or to go on sabbatical during this transitional period. I don’t blame them. Heck, if I could get away with it, I would too.
So this brings us back to my dilemma, is it more important that I ask the organization to create a better mechanism for reporting or is it more important to focus upon re-evaluating how I treat the people who are actively triggering these storm shifts. I don’t know if you had the opportunity to check out the cat video (I can’t believe I’m saying this), but the cat whisperer has some really interesting points that I hadn’t considered.
This is where my motivations fall.
And although I initially viewed my documentation as an opportunity to correct and reinforce positive behaviors, the moment that I stopped doing that, I began acting solely in my own self interest (or CYA mode).
This is where I’d like to focus my attention. And I can’t do that if my attention is focused upon the behavior of my colleagues, which is hard, because as of late it has been rather disruptive. I’m going to have to find a way to be proactive about bringing constructive and affirmative energy into the space so that I can be a more effective and accountable leader, both personally and professionally.
So I’m not entirely sure what that entails as of late, but I certainly have some really fascinating work ahead of me, esp. if there’s a chance I can find a way to make something positive of this situation or to resolve it effectively.