“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit” – Aristotle
Be sure to check out this incredible video from Shawn Achor about patterning happiness. Also, yAy! This is my 50th post! 🙂
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit” – Aristotle
Be sure to check out this incredible video from Shawn Achor about patterning happiness. Also, yAy! This is my 50th post! 🙂
– You will notice one kid picking his nose. Hard. If he’s older, he may be trying to hide it. Under 10 years old and he is proudly showcasing his gold. Regardless, no nose picking is truly discreet, so now notice the other two kids looking with horror at him.
– Notice the one kid who looks as if she just downed a gallon of Fun Dip — tapping her pencil, shaking her head to music no one hears, getting up – sitting down – getting up – sitting down, narrating it all with odd sound effects.
– There’s also the kid who is in the middle of the grandest of illusions right now. Spot him by the depth of focus he has on the birds outside the window. You…
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It’s 4 a.m. I’ve struggled for the last hour to go to sleep. But, I can’t. Yet again, I am tossing and turning, unable to shut down my brain. Why? Because I am stressed about my students. Really stressed. I’m so stressed that I can only think to write down what I really want to say — the real truth I’ve been needing to say — and vow to myself that I will let my students hear what I really think tomorrow.
This is what students really need to hear:
First, you need to know right now that I care about you. In fact, I care about you more than you may care about yourself. And I care not just about your grades or your test scores, but about you as a person. And, because I care, I need to be honest with you. Do I have permission to be…
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This time last year I gave up complaining for Lent and went on a Complaint Free Diet. In my attempt to talk about why millennials are not that bad it appears that I have rather reinforced the idea that some millennials do in fact suck, but that the degree to which those individuals progress or regress depends upon how they are managed. So I’d like to shift my focus of this blog back toward millennials who defy those negative connotations. I may throw in an abbreviated update from time to time, but considering that I’ve spent the first half of day 1 of my 3-day weekend ruminating over workplace conflict (and I haven’t really left my bed yet), I’d like to spend the remainder of my time there taking back control of my life by finding “worthwhile” initiatives to engage in [Do you complain too much? (or not enough?)].
I am not my job. I am not a reflection of my workers performance. I am not a reflection of my absentee colleagues opinions. I am so much more, and it’s time I remember who I am and start acting like it.
Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor
That being said, I think I’m going to try a funky experiment based upon Waitley’s advice and design an engagement study. I do it for my workers and the assessment tool has been incredible for building accountability. I don’t know if anyone will ever even read this or have any sense of personal investment of my success, but one of the fundamental criterion for building effective engagement is that I have to believe the work that I do matters, and that my success is connected to the success of something bigger than myself.
So I’m going to pretend for a moment that the efforts I make toward increasing my personal engagement does matter, and that some day it could matter to someone even if it’s just a future happier version of myself. So I’m going to go take a shower and put on pants now, and start taking care of myself.
Who knows; my future, more engaged-self could be awesome! 🙂
I spent the better part of last night trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to have to find a new job. Before I had just been researching and only sending resume’s to jobs on a case by case basis, most of which were kind of a stretch due the the number of years of experience they wanted because I didn’t really want to leave my job. I just wanted this job to work well, and in a lot of ways it has. During my tenure:
Client engagement was the highest it had been since the 1970s
We completely turned around a workforce and boosted their performance and productivity and increased our lower level leadership retention and their effectiveness (they work well together because my position doesn’t authorize me to solve their problems, my options are to either report concerns that merit attention from my direct supervisor or to involve those at the lower levels in critical thinking discussions with one another so that they can listen to and work together to understand each other’s perspective, decide what’s going to be the most effective solution for all of them and to share accountability for the decision making) and I record the outcomes.
Even my direct supervisor admitted that we were in a much better place than we were last year (since they restructured my role)
Unfortunately (and you must forgive the duplicitous nature of these writings; they’re written to try to make sense of something I find incredibly vexing not to criticize or condemn anyone for their inexperience), my supervisor seems to believe that this progress happened under queen bee’s watch, because he implicitly trusts her (and she does a lot of thing well) but when looking at the performance records the retention of knowledge, skills and dispositions for the workers she supervises is considerably lower because she only knows how to tell workers to complete tasks; she doesn’t clarify the standards so we have considerably more disciplinary issues under her watch (and we have evidence to support that) and my workers end up picking her workers’ slack (which has provided some great opportunities to engage my workers into the discussion about why the work they do is important and they seem to be receptive to it).
But all grumbling aside, my workers really have been happier and more productive than they’ve been in the 6 years I’ve been a part of this organization. Our clients comment to me about the differences they’ve noticed since I became involved in the oversight and training. But now that my workers understand that their contributions and effort will not necessarily be rewarded, which was a surprise to me given our institutional mission (one of my workers upon hearing about the promotion of the ill equipped colleague angrily grumbled “yep, I should have realized; it’s all about who you know!), I’ve been wrestling with how to keep them intrinsically engaged with their work, so we’ve been talking a lot about higher ethics and the goals of our organization and how these lessons will make them more effective and equitable leaders once they transition to real jobs and are responsible for the livelihoods of others after their contracts have ended.
Ironically enough, I found myself in the position of having a similar conversation regarding ethics and expectations with my direct supervisor yesterday. We seemed to be at an impasse because we have different expectations regarding what the standards of our department within our organization should be. He advocated for more of a constructivist model in which we just let our newly promoted supervisors feel their way out, which I’ve adhered to but may not necessarily agree with, but admits that he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on in our organization most of the time because he’s stuck in his office trying to sort out whatever the crisis du’ jour is at the time. I am of the school of thought that the time that we invest in training our workers on the front end pays off, because once we’ve clarified our expectations of them, it becomes easier to acknowledge and positively reinforce good performance. And as they build skills and accountability we can provide a structure for them to operate with a degree of freedom within those parameters and to equip them “as they are ready” with the training and guidance they will need to be able to diagnose and troubleshoot how to prevent some of the operational issues that arise from not having a clear sense of what your role is, or what’s expected of you.
It kind of reminds me of the following exercise:
I initiated the discussion because one of my workers lost it with me during the morning shift. She was one of queen bee’s buddies and was pretty upset with me for putting her on cleaning detail (which is more or less her job description). She had grown so accustomed to blowing off her shifts, or hanging out and goofing off at the desk with queen bee while others were working, that she perceived that I was treating her unfairly by asking her to complete the items on the cleaning checklist for the one room which she was assigned — something that has been asked of every worker who has been on cleaning duties.
When I asked her get started yesterday, she immediately lay into me. I spoke with Queen Bee and your direct SUPERVISOR and they said I don’t have to do that and that the level of detail that you ask me to clean (and she made sure to reference even when it’s the bathrooms) isn’t necessary because someone just cleaned it two days ago. I don’t know whether I made a blank face or not (more than likely it was probably any combination of these):
What I took away from this discussion was that albeit my goals were in alignment with the overall organization, that the top leadership in my department had elected to opt out from participating in this vision, but also felt it necessary to actively discourage my participation in it. And I suppose it makes sense. I’m the only one in the department who attends the trainings, forums, and other organizational events. I am the only member of the department active in the planning committee, so I feel liable for my workers and colleagues, because the other departments perceive the success and failings of my own department with what they believe to be my level of accountability. And the department doesn’t have the best history, which they explained in my interview as their justification for hiring me.
But every time I receive a new set of instructions or they restructure the department (it’s happened 6 times in the past 2 years), I only get bits and pieces of information about how it changes my responsibilities. In the context of the lego exercise, the instructions I receive are as follows. At any given point in time, I can be any of these: but let’s say that we start our way from the front-line and work our way up.
I don’t know what the hell we’re building anymore (besides a mess). I have two runners giving me very different sets of information. They can’t see one another although theoretically they really should.
Runner 2 is very adept at hiding because 2 doesn’t want runner 1, who also acts as 2’s director, to know that they don’t really understand what they are doing. Runner number 2 fears a loss of control.
And I sincerely believe Runner Number 1 really wants me to succeed (because they really invest a lot of effort into affirming my contributions and have spent a good deal of time and resources in equipping me).
No. 1 has really been intentional about defining my success as being interconnected with the success of the entire organization. I haven’t really received any indication that Runner number 2 is looking out for my best interest even though I’d like to believe that 2 wants to be sensitive to those needs. In fact, runner number 2 often gives me instructions that make me wonder what their idea of success looks like because it’s so far off the organizational standards for our institutional vision, and they don’t spend enough time on the ground to really even know what parts I’m working with or what process are involved in the process of building that I feel less inclined to trust their instructions even though I know I am required to abide by them.
Thankfully, runner number one (who shares that outlook and whom I trust and trusts me) has been gracious enough to inform me that I will be responsible for building people who have good work ethic, who feel valued, who act with integrity, who treat each other with respect even when they don’t always agree and so on. I can buy into this vision. I may not always be able to recognize the pieces that I have to work with, but I have built people before. I’ve seen it go well, I’ve had moments when I didn’t know what I was doing because I didn’t have anyone helping me identify the pieces before and things fell apart. But as a general rule, I have a good understanding of how to listen, how to identify when I need to listen and when I need to speak up, and how to make decisions about what kind of feedback I need so I can ask or equip myself with that support. So as long as I have one runner who I know is willing to do everything to support me I just try to make the best of things and do the best to stave off any fires that may get out of control when I feel signs they’re igniting.
When I ask runner number 2 for operating parameters because they haven’t taken the time to articulate their needs, or to even gather feedback to ascertain that I understand what it is that they would like from me; I get nothing. This is mostly in part because they’re too busy doing damage control in their area, so I doubt they have even really taken it into consideration. And when I ask, and we finally agree upon a solution, it doesn’t get communicated where it needs to, which has generated this recipe for conflict with queen bee and company. And God forbid I even try; even in an open and inclusive format, to make any attempt to recommend anything because even though I rank higher in the organization, in the department I no longer have the positional authority for her to feel like she has to listen to me, even if there’s a cliff on the other side of her next step. And she walks right off the edge just about every time. And I don’t harangue her about it. My workers just pick up the slack and try to pick up the slack and try to re-build some sense of normalcy, so we don’t appear to seem so mismanaged or disorganized.
So I suppose my job in real world terms has devolved into the role of putting out those fires so that we can free up our supervisors to avoid scrutiny. But in lego terms,we can prevent those fires by working to build an organization that understands the value and the process of fire prevention so we can provide a meaningful resource to our clients to use within the greater community. Runner number 2 doesn’t like the clients or the community because they call a lot of unnecessary attention to the very serious fires number 2 is (unsuccessfully) masking.
That being said, in role C I am not being told not to build people, just to train them not to build fires. And interestingly enough, I have found that the best way to do this is integrated in the way that I build up people:
Yesterday when I discussed my role confusion with my direct supervisor, especially since we’d seen an increase in fires pop up since I stepped out of the role of builder and into the role of go-between or runner. I was essentially being asked to train without giving instructions (in my job description and the departmental structure it is outlined that my role is to train them with skills, that I am liable for the work that they do in my functional area and that my role is to assist in the absence of a designated supervisor. I am also liable to the rest of the organization if I watch the fires happen but don’t intervene to try and stop it, but queen bee and my direct supervisor complain that they are too busy to be accountable for their areas so when I don’t intervene the area goes neglected and inevitably a fire pops up).
I think part of the problem is that queen bee and I work opposite shifts. And my direct supervisor works during an overlapping shift, but really he spends most of his time working with queen bee. Because they work the evening shift, when they come in, a lot of the work of running the facility is done mostly by the morning crew. So the perception of the need for oversight may not be as high on their end because my crew ends up doing all of the damage control and can’t do any of that stuff because that’s during the peak time for our facility when it generates the most traffic. Queen Bee scheduled her buddies to share that shift, so for the workers who are used to working with me, during the time when we are frequented by departmental administrators, and some of our higher value clients, the expectations about what is required to remain in organizational and OSHA compliance is clearly defined and executed, not just by me but also the supervisors that I train who assign those tasks. And since I’m literally the only point of contact representing our organization during that shift for days at a time, I can understand how these factors may have generated queen bee’s perception of competing loyalty (but I think that’s because she’s used to viewing it through the lens of a silo-ed organization because that’s the only model with which she’s been trained.
When QB’s workers have to make up shifts (that they’ve blown off to go to the tanning salon) or get caught hiding in the restroom snap-chatting and tweeting for hours at a time for days on end (they do get pretty pissed when I ask them to go back and complete a task that they’ve blatantly half-assed). Yesterday’s eruption had to do with one particular instance in which one of QB’s social media all-stars finally got pulled from her regular cleaning duties, and asked to wipe down an area directly within eyesight of the service desk (an area that we have to keep clean because not only does it collect a lot of pathogens daily, but also an area gets a considerable amount of traffic and that we would be extremely liable for if someone were to get hurt or an infection). She cut a lot of corners and came back to my desk five minutes later. It takes our biggest under performer who was not scheduled to clean the area that day at least 40 minutes, so I asked her whether she had finished. Her reply to me was: “finish what?”
After considering it for a moment, I concluded that it was a fair question given that she hadn’t had much experience performing the duties outlined in her job description and showed her the duties for the assigned area we had outlined on the cleaning list (which are visibly displayed at the supervisor’s desk (who just happened to be out for a doctor’s appointment) with guidelines pulled from the departmental files so that they were consistent for everyone. All-Star flippantly stated that she hadn’t done them but that she also didn’t see a point to having to do it (she was looking for an excuse to duck into the bathroom to update her profiles again) and I explained to her that since we didn’t have anyone scheduled to come in and that since we were responsible for keeping the area clean considering the usage and risk of infection, that we needed to focus upon cleaning that area, since it was often neglected (which is true, we have morning crew workers in there every week working upon items from the list that under-performer blatantly neglected). The worker was pretty angry by the end of her shift. I typically just give it enough time to blow over and then discuss it with them during their next shift so that we can establish mutual respect and ground rules for what the expectations are moving forward.
So when All-Star came in to work yesterday morning, the moment I asked her to get started she was out of the gate, “getting me told” so to speak before I could even initiate the topic. I could tell she had rehearsed it.
“Well I talked to Queen BEE and Runner no. 2 and THEY said I don’t have to because it was cleaned two days ago and I know for a fact…”
I let her air out her frustrations at the desk, mostly because I didn’t have the coverage to be able to redirect our venue to a place more appropriate for the discussion. As I engaged in standard active listening pose, I noticed something fascinating out of the corner of my eye. Queen Bee was THERE (she wasn’t even scheduled during my shift)! She was literally hiding in an alcove trying not to be noticed (in a neon pink shirt) watching the whole thing go down.
So I replied with the very textbook explanation (albeit firm and direct I still kept it very respectful) that any discussions that had taken place with her supervisor had not been communicated to me, that I would be happy to speak with them on the subject but in the meantime she was not being asked to do anything inconsistent with what had been asked of her peers. That her concerns for having to clean that particular area were valid, but for different reasons. And that if she had in fact spoken with Queen Bee and runner no. 2 that she must have been made aware that she was being assigned to the space because of concerns that she was cutting corners or neglecting her responsibilities altogether and hiding out in the bathroom stall. So while the intention wasn’t to initiate conflict, the assignment was given to protect her interest and to provide her with a task that we knew she was very capable of performing. That she was welcome to disagree with me if she felt uncomfortable completing a task as I understood it my responsibility to create a safe and respectful environment, but her approach, given her tone, indicated to me that she was more interested in pursuing conflict than in coming to a peaceful agreement.
Naturally she was very defensive, probably more so since she had the audience. She argued that she wasn’t hiding and I pulled out pages and pages of documentation and asked her if she knew what the forms were for (that I had collected the information and just because I chose not to address it with her did not address it with her directly did not mean that I did not notice and that it was my responsibility to report it if I noticed that it was a recurring issue), but rather that we (I wasn’t the only one of her supervisors who noticed) that when we provided her with other opportunities to give her the benefit of the doubt that it had only confirmed the concern (but while the intention was to confirm the behavior, correct it and move forward, not escalate this into a larger issue). So if there were concerns that I was treating her differently, I would not deny it, but that the deviations were based upon the merits of her performance because I believed her to be disengaged with her regular assignment, but that I wasn’t sure of the degree until she raised this issue.
Then I added that in the absence of a supervisor that I was who would be responsible for assigning tasks, so given that we were both in this situation that her options were to either let me know what it was that she was willing to clean or that she we was welcome to clock out and come back during a time in which she felt more comfortable when she could work with queen bee.
Then she left. I wanted her to. I don’t like power plays but I am also wise enough to know when I need to clarify a boundary so that I don’t get run all over. I think the hardest part is that anything that deviates so much from my cooperative style of communication, makes me feel as if I’m mismanaging the situation. It’s like handling lego bricks that I’ve never seen before. I can feel the nodes and know that they assemble to something, that they have a defined boundary and specific use, but I have no sense of whether I’m using it right even though that’s the tool I’ve been instructed to use (healthy boundaries).
I could hear her venting to Queen Bee who was still standing off in the corner (total ninja fail btw). And I could feel my entire inner being shaking.
I went back to my work, and during moments of distraction when I could feel my mind start to wander back to that place I’d look at the post it note of a Marianne Williamson quote that I keep taped to my desktop monitor:
“Everything we do is infused with the energy with which we do it. If we’re frantic, life will be frantic. If we’re peaceful, life will be peaceful. And so our goal in any situation becomes inner peace.”
I didn’t feel peaceful. If anything I felt scared. And I didn’t want to transfer that energy to anyone, even if they really did deserve it.
So the moment I got coverage I left my desk for a bit, went outside and I cried. Then I prayed for a little while. I prayed for peace.
Apparently the mass text had been sent out because after I got back I kept getting crazy looks from All-stars friends who had made it a point to drop in to the facility so that they could establish solidarity by snubbing me. And I can understand their sense of loyalty and willingness to protect their friend. But I didn’t dare challenge them with reason or try to amplify the shortcomings of their friends. I had no interest in focusing upon all of that. I was still pretty distraught when I spoke with Runner No. 2 about it that afternoon.
“She was probably just upset because we had already talked to her about it.” was his reply.
“She’s the one who initiated the conversation,” I informed him. “The conversation literally started with me asking her to get started cleaning and she leapt out of the gate telling me what it was that she did and didn’t have to do. And from what I observed of Queen Bee hanging out in the corner, who made no effort to intervene, it sounds as if you discussed quite a few things with her that I had to hear from the worker that were not communicated to me… and she’s not a good hider. I’m not sure what that was about, but it sounds like you all have discussed concerns about me that you’re avoiding discussing with me. ”
No. 2: Well I’m not here very much and it sounds like you and Queen Bee have very different standards (I do have a tendency to go for the win-win or at least to stay within compliance of established standards since we have so many volatility that erupts from our fuzzy boundaries). So I don’t really know what’s going on around the building but I trust Queen Bee to tell me.
Me: But we go for long periods in which I’m the only one in the building and if we don’t have a supervisor scheduled then that creates a position in which the responsibility falls upon me, and I’ve asked for parameters for what you and queen bee want on more than one occasion and since you haven’t made a decision about what those should be, I have to go based upon the guidelines outlined by our organization.
No. 2: Well I was going to sit down this summer and try to figure out what I’m going to put into their training. I mean it’s hard, we only get 3 days and then that’s it.
Me: Well we have supervisors returning. Do you think it would be useful to have newly promoted Queen Bee involved in facilitation training and some of your strategic planning so that she can learn how to run some of those trainings? The organization kind of expects that departments conduct continuous on-going trainings since that’s kind of the goal of our institutional programs. When we had it structured, it took my staff 3 months to learn how to do their work well enough to be unsupervised, and that was just in my functional area. You’re giving them only 3 days to learn how to operate this entire business without any supervision or senior level experience and if you don’t figure that out, the organization’s eventually going to notice.
And it sort of went on like this. We agreed on the need for a lot of the same things. For some reason he was under the impression that I didn’t and I had to clarify that. I also explained what my front line experiences were and referenced the performance records. He suggested that when I noticed problems occurring that I should make an effort to bite my tongue and just email him to let him know that these problems were occurring, so that I wouldn’t step on Queen Bee’s toes. And I reminded him of the pages upon pages of unread reports lying in the disheveled pile upon his desk (in addition to the emails) that provided him with all of this information before any of these situations escalated, and that I had made a special effort to bite my tongue because I didn’t want to create any perception that I had made any of my observations under bias, but that in the absence of feedback with how to proceed, I begun to rely heavily upon the performance records , institutional guidelines and my documentation for an accountability mechanism because that critical component of our working relationship had been neglected, and that the confusion about my role also fueling this confusion and relational conflict (p.10) that we were experiencing because of the way it was being managed.
I kept calm as we discussed it and I know I probably sounded hypercritical. And I did make sure to mention that I didn’t like complaining, but that this was something that I really was struggling with in my role within the department.
Meanwhile, I have other departments who have been trying to poach me from the beginning, and the improvements we’ve made during my tenure would signal disruption if I applied for a transfer which is why I’ve been trying to figure out this whole job search thing for the better part of a year now. And I’m nowhere near as bitchy or cynical as I feel like I come across in my criticisms of these colleagues. But I’ve been pretty silent for the better part of a year, and now that I’ve received affirmation from the organization that the behaviors in which I’d been actively discouraged from participating in were actually expected from the organization all along, I think I’m starting to feel angry (like genuinely angry) about it, not just at my colleagues, but also because of all of the fear based, overly cautious excuses I made for their behavior. Hey, runner No. 2, wanna hear something?:
You’re not too busy; you’re just disorganized. And the person that you implicitly trust the most might actually be crazy…! I’d call her a narcissist but she spends a little bit too much time focusing upon what I’m doing for that to be the case entirely.
(Do I give up my job security, benefits, etc. to go somewhere else? And if so, what indicators do I look forward before even applying that will help me trust that I’m moving into a healthier, more organized environment?) I can embrace a lack of structure if the organization has an open culture (what I’m used to) in which we can discuss observations and make suggestions in a way that people still valued and engaged to be accountable for their contributions. And if I’m looking for the right things in the wrong place, what danger do I risk to my professional reputation if I leave without having made a genuine effort.
It’s unsettling to have the esteem of other departments and my workers, but not the colleagues in my department. But I also don’t think I can continue to take anymore of this either:
Today was a little hard. I spent today in my last professional development training of the series. Today’s topic: Bringing Out the Best in Others. In one sense, it was a wonderful affirmation of the work I’d been doing. The suggestions I made early on, the additional (albeit unnecessary) work I’d done sharpening the saw so to speak, reading professional development books, attending trainings, and consulting with mentors to make sure that I was responsible for everything I contributed. But in another, and I had this sickening realization during lunch (when my boss’s boss popped into the training to scavenge free food and asked me what I thought of the training), that at the top level of our department, he not only didn’t understand the value of improving the quality of leadership for our workers with the behavior we modeled, but that he also had no intention of trying to understand why encouraging us to equip ourselves (and workers) better would benefit our organization as a whole. Quite frankly I got a distinct impression that he wasn’t interested. He had only popped in hoping that I’d reaffirm my boss’s criticism of the professional development training; that I’d believe it was a waste of time; but frankly, it wasn’t. Our entire department should have been there.
One thing stuck out to me as I left today’s training. The facilitator, thanked us for taking the initiative to attend the training. He also made the statement in closing that albeit one of the workplace expectations for the entire organization was to act with integrity and caring toward others (which is outlined in writing on all of our orientation documents given to us in training by our human resources department), that more often than not, those who are often in most need of the training, often don’t see a need for attending. And I felt as if I’d seen many instances where that rang true in my department. Then he concluded with the following quote my performance management expert and author Ken Blanchard:
I think people lose their commitment only after they realize that good performance doesn’t make a difference.
It left me with kind of a sick feeling. It’s not the first time I’ve felt it, but as a general rule I’ve learned very quickly not to repeat the kinds of experiences in which I work really hard and inevitably come to this feeling. To lose one’s sense of purpose in the place where they cumulatively spend the hours per day is undoubtedly discouraging and often times disorienting. For the better part of two years (11 months to be exact), I’ve had to come to grips that what I believe to be the values of my organization, and the values of the colleagues and leadership in my department just aren’t in alignment. So I’ve just been doing the best I can to model and create the conditions for a healthy environmental climate through the behavior I model and can record until I can make an ethical transition to something better suited.
But what I realized in the process of working to simply “make the best of things” that I undermine my own effectiveness as a leader and a mentor without having a consistent, routine pattern of reinforcement to demonstrate for my workers when I encourage them to work with integrity (with the understanding that they will be rewarded for their performance), if we don’t share those expectations as an organization or within a department). Which is awkward, and makes me feel as if I am merely reinforcing unhealthy behavior by continuing to stay in that environment. Typically when I can feel the toxins of resentment begin to set in, I take a step back from trying to control everything and just focus upon resting, or developing some tracking system because I think I secretly want to find out that things aren’t as bad as they seem, that they all are just a manifestation of some erroneous pattern I’ve detected in my head. But what I hate to admit is that the amount of time I spent picking myself apart trying to identify what more I need to give, trying to fix it, is only setting a dangerous precedent and pattern of behavior that I don’t feel comfortable modeling (and would actively discourage) teaching these workers, and I’m not sure how to reconcile it, or that I can.
What I am sure of is that I’ve exhausted more time than I care to trying to really take ownership of making improvements. I’ve gotten some great performance feedback from my entry level workers and lower level supervisors, and we’ve had the highest level of leadership retention during our contract renewals that we’ve had in the 6 years I’ve been affiliated with our organization. So I have the evidence I need to support that the work that I contribute matters and that it’s been a critical component of our capacity to build effective performance and other positive outcomes for the rest of our staff. But as often as I’ve tried, and as much as I would have liked to be able to write off some of our under-performers off (which can at times include members of our leadership staff), I’m not in a position to be able to correct the areas that are most needed, if we don’t share the same vision or expectations. But I don’t suppose it’s ever easy when you have to sit back and watch others waste the valuable talent and potential because someone else undervalued it. And who knows, it’s very possible that I may even overvalue the merits of my contributions. But based upon the feedback I gained from peers I met from other departments who also attended these trainings, the consensus seems to be, that I’m doing a lot of things right and in alignment with the goals of our organization. But we all understand that it would not be wise on any of our parts to air our grievances in that specific context. Not if we comply with the expectation to act with integrity.
So I’ve just been sitting on this information, and trying to figure out what to do in order to reconcile it so that I can make it in to work without dreading it tomorrow. So for this afternoon, my hump day mental detox activities included a movie, dinner, a 2 mile walk out in the sun after work, then I came home and plucked around on the guitar for awhile. I played through the cords for Zee Avi’s Bitter Heart, John Denver’s Take me home country roads, I’ll fly away and Wayfaring Stranger (finally nailed the “f” barre chord). I may have also slipped a little bit of makers into my iced tea after dinner. But not enough that I can’t wake up early and go for an early morning run before work.
On my walk I really tried to focus upon this really compelling meme I read from Steve Maraboli:
I asked myself, in this situation, if I don’t want to feel like the victim here, and if I’m going to be able to re-frame this experience in a positive light during my exit interviews or to a prospective employer, then what does it mean to become the hero of my own story?
one of the answers that emerged was to separate myself from the scenario for a moment to create something of beauty. The rationalization was that this would help me remember that there are some things that I can control that have nothing to do with the transactional agreement between myself and the place where I contribute work in exchange for pay, and to connect with neglected parts of me that longed to be validated (hence why I opted for the guitar session).
…another was to reconsider the need for scripting an internal narrative. Anyone with eyes could see that I really struggled and wrestled with the role I was in, but somehow I miraculously made it work, because I valued the relationships between my workers, vendors and clients who were much more forgiving of our organizational shortcomings because I honored those relationships by making them feel valued and appreciated (minus the outliers I’ve mentioned previously). So if anyone gave me a hard time for walking away from all of this, and I felt the need to be defensive (which internally has been a whirlwind and has caused me a great deal of distress), that I could simply state that:
“…it seems as if you may already have an idea of what you expect me to articulate; so why don’t you tell me what you expect my answer to that question to be, and I’ll either confirm or deny those assumptions… if anything it will at the very least give you a clear picture of the kind of impressions I may have left upon you.”
and then I can just be done with it.
Any explanation I can give that wouldn’t sound like a laundry list would more than likely have to be biblical in nature at best: “I’ve done a lot of praying about it, and I feel as if God may be trying to lead me elsewhere…
I don’t need to harbor all of that other stuff. I wouldn’t be sharing anything that wasn’t blatantly obvious and if they really do want good honest feedback about their experiences, our organization has gotten to be quite the expert at qualitative research surveys.
Sorry I’ve fallen behind on posts. A lot’s happened this past week or two. I’ve been meaning to update you, but it appears that I’m going to have to backlog my posts (and probably chunk them) so that they’re easy to reference. Notable events include:
Featuring this comedy of errors…
- Filing an informational report about the receipt incident involving my problematic worker with our security office at the recommendation of one of the officers.
- Having said report accidentally end up on the desk of the head of security who received the impression that I was filing a formal complaint against the worker.
- Having that report and a referral (very intentionally) sent to my boss’s boss before I got the opportunity to inform him of the situation
- Lots of Damage Control and Crippling anxiety waiting for the topic to be addressed and fearing I might be in trouble (but at least it didn’t take as long as it has for them to find that damn Malaysian plane)
- Sitting down with my boss and having to explain to him, not only why the report was filed, but also the history of the situation so that he understood the need for the action by putting it into context
Featuring Romeo and Juliet-style panic and mayhem… (if Juliet were somewhat sensible)
A reasonably attractive gent that I met at the gym turned out to
a) have a girlfriend which he neglected to mention it (thankfully I’m not one to rush into emotional or physical stuff with people, so no harm was ever really done)
we shall call her “Rosaline”
b) have a really angry dad who doesn’t like me (and owns one of 3 restaurants within walking distance of my job) who may have made some assumptions or let his imagination get the best of him regarding my intentions with his son.
c) have a really angry dad who doesn’t like me who, as it turns out, was friends with a guy who went to jail for murdering some people …one of which was the roommate of my “hotheaded” brother
d) be a reasonably nice and overly-trusting person in general, unlike his dad, and is more or less unaware of the factoid I divulged in the bullet labled “c.” I am fond of him, but not enough to jeopardize any of his relationships.
(so the basis of our mutual acquaintance has been about me teaching him how to treat me in a way that preserves his dignity but still clarifies which boundaries are appropriate. I have not and will not ever encourage him to do anything that might compromise his or “Rosaline’s” dignity), but papa bear doesn’t know me well enough to understand that.
But the degree to which papa bear’s gotten really pissy with me makes me question whether I’m missing something, but I certainly don’t want to communicate to any of them that I’ve done anything wrong. The outcome of the story resulted in the gent cutting off all communication with me (verbal and nonverbal), which is weird because no one ever communicated to me what they think I’ve done wrong… I suppOSE my mind-reading capabilities must be on the fritz… so I just tried to keep that balance between giving the gent some space (because I got the sense that the behavioral change was to keep the peace with his father rather so I have to give him the benefit of the doubt of this one and act as if I trust him to do what’s right for himself and his family) and to stand up for myself by reinforcing consistency in my behavior of treating those I meet with high regard and professional courtesy (even if my gut is telling me that I may for awhile be treated differently…). The good news is it seems to be working. …It’s not the first time I’ve been snubbed over something, but I think this is the first time I’ve ever been snubbed by anyone I’ve actually known.
Featuring high tensions, drama & even more panic and mayhem…
…What began as a quest to replace the two retirees from our organization’s private healthcare provider devolved into a debacle in which the following discoveries were made:
- medical records were leaked to 3rd party without consent from the patients
- our healthcare provider couldn’t find any practitioners willing to take on a mid-level medical practice resulting in a two month window for our organization to identify alternative options for health care coverage
- the organization offered staff discounts for participating in healthcare screenings, etc. and then made modifications to the health plan and someone figured out that we would be paying the same amount for bare-bones coverage or 3 times the amount to provide the same quality we are currently receiving
- the announcement about the modification was made 3 days after our state closed open enrollment for alternative healthcare coverage
- the governor of our state extended the deadline, but only through midnight (that just passed)
- the website has placed a super emphasis upon making the website secure, but not enough time making the site (even reasonably) easy to navigate; difficult for even experienced web technicians
- given the timing, there was no way to find out whether the plan was comparable, because the site lists the prices for each plan, but no information is really provided to determine what the coverage entails
- We have exhausted our medical reserves, so not only are people pissed, I can’t afford to get sick if I wanted; even with my excessive accumulation of sick days.
- When people get scared and angry about losing their medical benefits, it can disrupt the entire notion of trust/cohesion within an organization, as evidenced by dramatic rallying and storming at client meetings and inbox assault of poorly timed, poorly executed “rely-to-all” emails
- I got a confirmation number but have no clue what I applied for, so I’m hoping my application errors can buy me more time (I listed my organizational insurance agent’s contact info under healthcare provider, since I didn’t have those details available within the time frame)
- If I can stay healthy until November, I can re-enroll in something more affordable
So as you can imagine the whole thing has turned out to be kind of a cluster to keep track of…
It certainly made last minute venue bookings, big client presentations, and our disastrous bookkeeping audit seem like simple routine disasters! …Either that or I’m really getting numb to it (which is a concern). All I can say is that if you don’t find these topics entirely exhausting, you’re in for a treat; because there is a LOT to rehash.